"he said he need time..i said i need him..so we take our own way..."

If Your Heart's Not In It

I'm missing you
Girl even though you're right here by my side
Cause lately it seems
The distance between us is growing too wide

I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
That's the last thing that I wanna hear

But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If our love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

You say that you love me
But baby sometimes
You're just saying the words
If you've got somethin' to tell me
Don't keep it inside
Let it be heard

I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
But girl I'll make it easy for you

If your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If our love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

How I wish I could take us back in time
But it's gone too far now we can't rewind (And there's nothing that I can do
,to stop me losin' you)
I can't make you change your mind (If your heart's not in it)

If your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do

17 April - 19 April
UnitedLeadershipCamp

me and alia went to this leadership camp...this camp is a collaboration of malay club in MMU..hehe camp nie juga bertujuan untuk mencari bakat bakat baru yang akan menjadi penaung kelab melayu di MMU...ULC dijalankan di Eco Resort Pahang..tempat yang boleh aku kata kan agak menarik...memang 3 hari 2 mlm kami diisi dgn ilmu-ilmu menguruskan kelab kelab..selain itu kami juga dapat ramai kawan2 (adik adik) baru..hahaha rase2 senior paling minority kot kat situ..hehehehe kami buat mcm2 aktiviti contoh nya buat kayak n kayak race..hehe

Fatin and Law...

Sebenarnye..post nie aku plan nk buat entry pasal aktiviti aku 2 minggu nie...tapi disbbkan aliakama telah mengentrykan sesuatu yang agak menyentuh tangkal hati aku..so...this entry is for you.....

MMU Law degree holder...hmm...aku tak penah terpk pon nak amek kos law..lebih lebih lagi kat MMU...plus dulu aku pon tak tau kat malaysia ade U name MMU..huhu pathetic x??

macam mane aku boleh tercampak kat MMU?? wow!! panjang cerite nye....dulu cite2 aku nak blaja kan Penang...suatu tempat yang aku rase betul2 selari dengan jiwa aku....orang2 yang sayang kat aku semua kat sane...
hmm kos? mesti la masscom...hahaha
after aku frust sbb masscom aku kene reject dgn IPTA (diaorg ganti dengan sains asasi fizik n diploma pengurusan pejabat..sumpah 2'2 nie aku tak nak kan) parents aku bawak aku balik penang and cari kolej kat sane..hmm seminggu kat sane aku dapat tawaran dari ICT Dip in MassCom..memang happy giler..barang barang aku semua aku dh angkut ke rumah tokwan aku...berbeg2..berakul2...
then..tibe2..mak aku cakap...dia tak brape suke aku amek mass com...pastu mule la dia membebel..bla..bla..bla...aku jenis tak boleh mak aku ckp "tak boleh"..nnti aku mule emosi tak bertempat..
so..sebelum sebarang kemungkinan timbul..aku dengn senyap try apply scholarship utusan (time tue kebetulan utusan nak cari 3 org untuk scholarship masscomm). aku kene buat karangan bertajuk " why do i deserve this scholarship?"..hahaha guess what? aku dapat kot scholarship tue...STUDY IN MASSCOMM FULLYSUPPORT BY UTUSAN AND NST...then datang lagi masalah nye....bapak aku sibuk sngt dengan meeting dia...end up...aku tak dapat hadir for the interview kat mane tah..alasan bapak aku..meeting nie penting and dia tak tahu kolej nie kat mane n kolej ape....
memang aku dh frust habis la time nie...lebih2 lg biler semua member aku dh masuk blaja...then suatu pagi nie aku nangis dalam bilik..rase macm nak kiamat dh time tue...konon konon nye tak boleh masuk blaja mane2 mase depan hancur r...strees giler...time nie la mak aku masuk dlm bilik pujuk aku then aku pon jumpe bapak aku cerite semua masalah...nampak gak la muke dia bersalah....
saat ini la...time nie la..dia bukak internet..masuk google pastu taip LAW kat search...tuptup keluar MMU!!!! hah!! bermula la hidup aku dlm MMU......
aku masuk MMU tak same macm student lain...hantar borang pemohonan...tunggu borang permohonan...perasaan takut and seronok masuk MMU..parents hantar....masuk orientation...rase sedih berpisah ngn family..n mcm mcm lg...
aku masuk senang giler..tak rase mcm masuk U pon..mcm masuk sekolah je...mak aku pergi je kat President Square tue hari isnin..isi borang tue isi borang nie...hari khamis aku dh masuk Hostel..surat tawaran pon tak dapat lagi...huhuhu...yang hantar aku just mak aku n karzen aku je...bapak aku bz dgn keje dia...yang lain aku settle sendri kat sini....

Aku mule blaja law....susah sbb tak minat...aku force diri aku untuk minat law...biler org tanya "kenape amek law...? minat ke?" aku dengan senang hati jawap "a'ah...minat la jugak.." huh! bende yang aku tipu untuk aku paksa diri aku minat law....dulu time foundation aku blaja siang mlm...semua chapter habis sebelum masuk exam...tapi result??? damm...macam hari ni exam semalam baru bukak buku...memang aku sedih...parent aku marah giler r...ckp aku tak study la ape la...padalah LAW nie bukan aku yang nak!!!!!! tapi alhamdullilah aku lepas Foundation Law aku...not with flying colour..tapi boleh la untuk org yang tak minat LAW...hahaha mcm aku...
alia...daku penahkan ckp masalah nie kat anda....and we endup buat kesimpulan salah strategi belajar....so kite mule buat strategi baru..untuk first years kita...HAH!!!! ape result daku???? KANTOI SATU SUBJECT KAN!!!! huh!! tak penah kantoi tibe2 kantoi.....time nie daku dah giveup law dh...tapi anda tau tak kenape daku bangkit dan teruskan juga???? sbb anda...you give me hope and strength ...and daku pon nak give one more chance to me and law..ingat tak mase kite dapat tahu daku fail..anda yang menangis?? tapi daku selamber giler...and anda cakp "sorry...daku tak sekuat anda..." actually...daku tak sedih sbb daku tahu daku tak boleh buat....i just cant...thats y i didt cry...daku takut je time tue..takut parents....diri sendiri memang bukan keutamaan dah time tue...

secondly...nak tahu time biler perasaan aku kuat ckp "LAW IS NOT FOR ME"?? time mooting...OMG!! sumpah aku kecut perut giler....tapi went i look at ur face al....there sumthing about ur face that show "i want to do this. i can do this. this is what i wating for.." then i try to put my self onto kak azie place...dammm cuak giler!! mesti keluar gagap aku!!! suddently i realise want the hell im doing here!!!!?? why im doing law??? then sumthing in my heart said...papa mama....
so...i keep on going....study law...

i skip class...i doing assgment just for mark..i hate reading...i ask people to sign for me..i dont understand what lecturer said..i dreaming in class..n im not happy..at all...

my b this show on my face and make my parents ask “akak..akak boleh blaja ke x??” huh!!! Berbunge2 aku time tue…aku pon ckp… “ma…atin boleh blaja…atin boleh pass sekadar pass…tapi atin tak seronok buat ape yang atin buat skang….”

Time nie la…parents daku consider untuk daku tukar kos…memang seronok….sgt seronok…tapi bile daku pk balik….daku akan berpisah dgn anda….dgn classmate yang lain…sape nak jalan dgn daku pergi class nnti? Nak buat assgment dgn sape? Ade kawan tak dlm course baru nanti? Mesti jdi loner nnti kan…sape nak main tulis tulis surat dgn daku dlm class nanti? Kalau sleepy nk kacau siapa? Boleh ke daku belajar tanpa anda? Parent daku sendiri tanya pada daku “atin boleh ke tukar kos..alia tak de nnti…boleh ke?”

I just want you to know aliakama, making decision of changing my course it the hardest decision ever…..it take me 1 year to make up my mind and it take me 4 week to submit my form…and I also want you to know that, what ever my decision is, I always think about you, me and my parents..

Secondly..i just want to said im sorry because I always with you in class..im sorry we have the same timetable for 2 years time..im sorry that we just rely on us..im sorry to make all the plan and dream with you and yet I “disqualify” myself…im sorry that I cant move on…and im so sorry for not trying harder.

It would be hard to said good bye to law..but it would be zillion harder to said good bye to my Classmate, Table mate, Waking up mate, Walk together to class mate, Assignment mate, Study mate, Homework mate.

Lastly..with all this story yang panjang lebar daku cerita…I hope you understand why I changing my course…..and I hope kalian semua mendoakan aku ye…..

Money Money Money........

Alhamdullilah sbb midterm semua dh selesai..tunggu result je skang nie damm..cuma tinggal assgment je sikit2...bnyk bende gak yang aku dh settle kan dlm 2 minggu nie...harap2 aku terus kuat untuk settle kan beberape perkara yang agak berat untuk aku....amin..

that's the best part...
the frustration part is....

last Tuesday is the second time my parent said "no!" to me...
hmm...i was asking for duit rumah rm1200..they freak out and mad at me..for a second time...
that day i was crying....so dad call me and yell "FATIN KAU NAK DUDUK MANE??" damn i was like kan aku dh bagi tau tadi (dlm hati la) sumpah aku terdiam dlm 10 saat tapi papa aku dok panggil2 name aku..then i hang up the phone n shut it down...n keep on crying..
the first time they said no to me was last week went i also asking for duit rumah rm1600..but that day they did not mad at me..they said "kak..mama tak de duit skang nie..nnti boleh x?" damm...aku menangis jugak..kene marah pon menangis..cakap elok2 pon menangis...

i cry not because of kene marah atau ape2 tue..i cry because its touch went parent said they dont have money.."kak duit mama belom masuk..""mane papa nak cari duit...""kalau tangguh dulu boleh tak??" as a child what do you feel went your parent say that to you?

to me...i hard to heard that my parent dont have money...this is the 1st time they having money crisis...and this is the 1st time that they said no to me went i asking for duit.....

damm...i wish i could know why.
but what i know is papa working in bidang IT or sumthing...the ekonomi dlm malaysia sedang meleset kan...especially in IT or computer thinging...so they having this thing call "IT economi crisis" sumthing...nak tak nak IPerintis pon ikut crisis kot...tah le...
mama pulak dia kate kat aku hari tue..saham dia kat us jatuh...pastu dia membebel la pasal ekonomi us plak...itu aku cikit pon tak paham...

All in All....my family sekarang sedang menhadapi money crisis...nextweek mama aku akan keluar kan rm3000 nak bayar fee aku..mane nak cekau duit rumah plak....

now i was looking for a job...i hope i getting one soon...so readers..hehe i need ur prayer...doakan aku dapat keje ye...nak ringan kan beban family dan beban aku jugak...hehe

thank God i have alia as my rumet.........
she is the hero of the week!!!
alia kate..."daku ader offer untuk anda...anda bayar rm400 dulu..nanti yang lain sebelom masuk anda bayar..."
hah! dari kene bayar rm1200 aku bayar rm400 dulu!!! mane nak dapat kawan cam nie????
but alia...i have to bincang with my parent dlu ek...as i said to you...buat masa sekarang parent aku takde duit...